I'm not fifteen anymore Taylor Swift...

I'm sixteen now.

You'd think sixteen would be a big deal, wouldn't ya? Well, maybe it's just me, but when I was little sixteen was HUGE. Oh my goodness, sixteen was a serious big girl. Like, you were an ADULT, you knew it all, life had nothin' on you at sixteen.

Yeah right. I only wish life was as easy at sixteen as it was at six. (Childlike faith, Bryce. Childlike faith. Keep saying it like a mantra.) Honestly, I feel like I'm six. But not in the innocent maturity, childlike faith kinda way. More like in the stupid whinny little kindergartner who didn't get their favorite color construction paper and is going to throw a huge tantrum because they don't understand the real issues in todays world kinda way.

Yep, that's me. My favorite color is blue, and life is giving me green [eggs and ham]...

????????????

Never mind, I think you catch my drift.

I know life is hard for just about everyone in the world right now (and for most way harder than it is for me). Just let me get that out there. I don't expect you all to brush aside your schedules, and your busy lives to come coddle me (sure, who wouldn't love that if they were being honest with themselves, but that is not what I want from you AT ALL). All I want if for you to take 5 minutes. Scan what I've written. These are my thoughts, this is some of what I'm struggling with in my life right now. Or if you don't want to do that just say a quick 5 second prayer. Ask the Lord to help me understand what He wants from me in my life. Ask the Lord to help YOU understand what He wants from you. Or ask Him to help that person halfway around the globe who is crying out everyday, right now. You decide. Just don't sit and do nothing. You've read this far already. Consider this a challenge that you CAN complete without even getting up out of your chair.

Now back to those thoughts I mentioned.

About a week ago I had what could truly be called an encounter with God. I've never felt that close to Him in my life. Which is actually pretty sad to say. I feel like I've been in a dry place for much to long. And that I'm still here. And that I don't know how to get out. Last week when I felt Gods presence in a way I never have, surrounded by people I never want to forget on this earth, I was still confused... I still felt like I was stuck in the dry place, but I came closer than I have in a long long time to breaking free... and I was really convicted of the fact that I have not been living the kind of life I should be living. I realized HE wants something more from me than I've been giving Him. That was a really hard truth to grasp, and an even harder truth to do something about. Especially here, here in the desert. Please pray for me.

Have you ever heard this song?-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mqYL1Bf8cs

Go listen to it right not whether you have or not.

I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes

This is what I feel like. What I don't understand is... how can the water keep falling so hard and so long when I'm stuck here, in a place so so dry?

I'm not sure why it always goes downhill
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from the sky

And here tonight while the stars are blacking out
With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt
I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes

And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do
It would be a lie to run away

So blood is fire pulsing through our veins
We're either riders or fools behind the reigns
I've spent ten years trying to sing it all away
But the water keeps on falling from my tries

And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do
It would be a lie to run away
A lie to run, it would be a lie
It would be a lie to run away

It keeps on falling (x4)
Water keeps on falling from my eyes

And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do
It would be a lie to run away
It would be a lie to run away
It would be a lie to run away

If only it were easier to remember the harder truths found in these words. If only. If only. Where do I go from here?

I have so many thoughts tumbling through my head. I feel like even trying to write some of them down is going to be like hopping and skipping all over the place. Welcome to my mind.

Have any of you ever read The Great Divorce by C. S. Lewis? I hadn't until very recently... WOW. So much to think about. Let me start by saying I loved it. A whole lot. I'm going to be reading it again, slower, over the next couple weeks. Extremely powerful book that is worth a little more time on my part.

Just reading it through once made me think, it brought to mind so many things.

One of the scenes in the book reminded me of a conversation I happened to be part of recently, all about love and our struggles with it. I don't understand love. That bothers me. What I do know of love is that most people love out of the selfish desire to be loved back... or because they need the person whom they are loving. Not for the persons sake. Not for the sake of love itself. Not for Gods sake. For theirs. I know I do a lot of the time. Not only do I not understand love... but I put into practice that which I do not understand, therefore practicing it wrongly. I wrote a speech recently on the importance of love and how it could revive society if we put it into practice... but I think that first we must understand before we can begin to practice. I don't know... I'm honestly struggling with this. Can we ever understand in this life?

I feel like I'm surrounded by apathy... I feel like I'm part of the apathy sometimes. I feel like there is a fog pulled over my eyes. How can I awaken those around me when I feel half asleep myself? Sometimes I don't understand... most of the time I don't understand.

There is so much I want to do. Revive my community. Reach out to the hurting. I want to act on the passions that are closest to my heart. Mainly the pro-life movement. I want to work for LIFE and against the death that abortion brings to the innocents. But I don't know where to begin. And I don't understand, how can I begin to save lives when I feel dead?

I'm not trying to be depressing. I'm not trying to be melodramatic. I know we all have down days. I know we shouldn't let our emotions control what we do. But aren't we suppose to be joyful sometimes? Aren't we suppose to know what God wants for us... at least some of the time? Shouldn't we understand, at least a little?



(Just my thoughts here people. I would feel weird posting them on this blog... but I post so rarely I know people rarely read this. If you do happen by, prayers would be highly appreciated.)